Who wants a candy cane?

I'll admit, I have been in a slump. I have been whiny, crabby, angry, depressed and generally pretty miserable. And rightfully so.

But today. Today I am no longer miserable because the universe has balanced and brought to me the most amazing of amazing things: The Holiday Season

I may be the only person who actually looks forward to writing out Christmas cards. I may enjoy each Starbucks Gingerbread Latte a little too much. I may tap my foot a little too vigorously to Christmas tunes. I may even nauseate my house guests with the smell of candy cane candles.

But I could care less because no matter what happens, I will be blissfully ignorant for the next 35 days delighting in the smells, sights and sounds of the season.

The Absence

I woke up really sore this morning, but relished in it, because once the pain is gone I will appreciate its absense so much more.

I Love Machete Incidents

A southern Arizona man known as "Chops" was sentenced Thursday for using a machete to attack a man who refused to give him a beer.

Angelo Antonio, 38, of Sells was sentenced in Tucson to six years in federal prison for assault on the Tohono O'odham Indian Reservation. He had pleaded guilty on Sept. 3 and sentenced by a U.S. District Court judge on Thursday.

Antonio attacked another man with a machete on Dec. 1, 2006 in the Pisinimo Village. He became angry when the victim's friends refused to give him a beer, and the men began fighting.

Antonio struck the victim on the head with the machete and stabbed him in the back. The victim treated at a Tucson hospital, where he stayed for three days.

I think the lesson we learn here is to never deny a man named "Chops" a beer.

Band Practice

Last night I went to my first band practice since the breakup. I really thought I was going to be nervous and uncomfortable, and that it would be really awkward for everyone (Me = Bass; Ex = Drums) but it ended up being so much fun. I am reallly happy with how well I played after not picking my bass up for over a month.

It always seems that I play best after a break. Maybe I am just less stressed and feel less pressure? Whatever it is, I am happy because my love for playing is back and we have an AMAZING new song that I am so stoked about.

Ahhhh... life is good. :)

Let's get to acceptance, shall we?

I had been dreading this past Saturday (11/15) because it was the "would be 4-year anniversary" day with my ex... and marked the "two week anniversary" of our breakup. I knew I would be a wreck, and I was. I cried several times throughout the day, in public. I spent a ton of money on clothes and wine glasses. I drove around aimlessly trying to keep myself occupied. Then I went home, showered, ordered pizza, had a glass of wine and fell asleep on the couch.

It was a bad day.

But I woke up Sunday morning relieved, because Saturday was over. I can move on and past this tough time in my life with a new found appreciation for what is to come. I have no more "sad" benchmarks, and I realized that the past two weeks I have been sad because I was telling myself to be sad. I think it's natural, but I am happy that I don't want to feel sad anymore, and I wont be. Not for me, anyway.

I know that our relationship was over when I moved out in June, it just took me 5 months to let go of the fear and sadness I felt in my heart. I guess the sadness I have left is for him, because although I started my process (Denial, Fear, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression, Acceptance) quite a while ago, he is just at the beginning. I know in time he will realize that we are better off and that this was the right decision, but until then I think I am going to be stuck feeling guilty. I really wish he would find some chick to bang so he would feel better.

That's kind of twisted.

Meh-day, Meh-day I'm going down

I wonder how long it will take to feel 'normal' again. When will I stop consciously thinking about being single, and actually be a single person. Or just A person. I should not be defining myself by my relationship status. But it feels like it is consuming my life.

I guess when you spend four years in a relationship loving someone day in and day out, saying good morning, good afternoon, good night, snapping pictures of me and the pup sending them along for a smile, making Friday night date plans, etc.. and all the sudden it is gone, you really don't know what to do with yourself.

So, I spent the first week trying to preoccupy myself with things I thought would fill the void, and they did for a minute, but at the end of the day, all I am left with is me. And I am nothing more than an empty shell.

I guess for as lonely as I felt throughout my relationship, its not even as close to being as deep and troubling as how lonely I feel now. This isn't a "being with people" lonely, because I can be in a room full of people and still feel it. It's a disconnect from myself, and a disconnect from the feeling of love.

I had an idea that the worst part would be the first few days, but I was wrong. Each day it gets just a little worse. I wonder why.

WHOOAAAA Nelly

I got to work this morning and entered a complete shit storm. A complete and utter mess.

We have a new call center manager that we groomed and trained, and she officially stepped into the role about a month ago. We gave her some small increases as she took on more responsibility and promised a substantial raise once she became the full blown manager and successfully managed the call center while my partner was out of the office. Last week was his firt week back.

Friday we met with her to give her the raise and bonus structure. It was pretty substantial if you ask me. We asked if she had any questions, and she said no. Over the weekend she sent a quick email clarification and I thought everything was fine.

Well, it wasn't. She came in this morning completely riled up unwilling to settle down and discuss like an adult. Screaming, yelling, claiming we were scamming her. SCAMMING. Telling us we have no idea what it is like to have to work through lunch and stay late and put your family on the back burner.

UMMMMMMMMMM..... Little Miss Cuntface, let me explain something to you. I have put EVERYTHING on the line for this job, and have dedicated every waking second of my life to the success of the company and everyone who works for us. I have been here working until 1 or 2 in the morning, I rarely take a lunch break, and I have sacrificed and had my relationship destroyed as a result of this place.

I have no idea what the hell she was thinking. When you want something don't you normally walk in PLEASANTLY and say "I have reviewed my compensation package and I do not think that the pay is equitable with the work I am doing and I would like to discuss some alternatives..." We would have paid her more. She was worth it. But she blew it HARDCORE.

What did her in was when she said she didn't respect us. Yoink. Conversation over. Ditch the bitch. I don't care what you want, what you can do. The second you tell me you do not respect the opportunity you have been given and the blood sweat and tears we have put into training and grooming you and building the company to where it is, you are DONE.

D.
O.
N.
E.

I swear to god I set off thermal satellite scanning because I was HEATED. AM Heated.

***Update... she has been sending crazy texts to all the employees claiming she is bringing a police escort to pick up her stuff... Oh man, what the hell! This lady is a whack job. Bear in mind she is at least 36, but is acting like she is 12.

DUH

It's so ridiculously amazing how stupid I am and the worst part is I really don't care. hah!

***Afterthought... normally I would delete a post like this, but I am going to leave it up to remind myself of my stupidity.


***Second Afterthought... I actually do care about being stupid, or I would not have posted this... I just don't know how NOT to be stupid.

TRUST: to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something

I forgot, for just a moment, that you cannot trust anyone.

People operate out of a place of pain and unhappiness, and will always act on what they think is in their best interest at the time.

Note to self.. stop being friends with girls


Anddddd I'm over it.

Sometimes I forget that I am an adult, and then I will be in the middle of some task like loading the dishwasher, switching clothes from the washer to the dryer or scrubbing the bathtub and it hits me like a ton of bricks. Then I start thinking about all of the adult things in my life and I start to get claustrophobic.

I frequently miss the days of living at home having my mom take care of my laundry and cook dinner, my dad fixing stuff when it was broken, sleeping in, and only ever having to worry about getting my homework done or keeping my room clean.

I don't know what good growing up has done me.

License to Breed

I hate when people yell at their kids. Especially when the kid is just being a kid. It is atrocious. People treat their children like little inconveniences that plague their lives.

If you cannot show the child you created unconditional love and make the child feel like it a miracle, because it is, then don't have one or give it up for adoption. It's not fair. BIRTH CONTROL PEOPLE. Pills, condoms, spermicide, morning after pill, etc etc.

Listen, I don't want kids, at least not any time soon. But if I were to have one, I would never treat him or her with anything other than love and respect. I wouldn't scream at them for acting like a kid. Children need to be children.

Creating life is a miracle. People take it for granted. There are so many people out there who desperately want to experience creating a life with the person they love and can't because of fertility issues.

Explain to me how it's fair that miserable bags of death women can pop out kids they loathe, but someone who wants to have a child more than they want to breathe cannot.

Thursday Morning High

Wednesday nights are my favorite time of the week.

The worst part (Sunday night - Wednesday morning) is over and you have the best part of the week (Thursday morning - Sunday morning) to look forward to. It's smack dab in the middle of it all. The pinnacle, if you will. And, America's Next Top Model is on.

What's almost equally as good is the Thursday morning high you have coming off of an especially great Wednesday night.

Maybe it's just the red bull, two cups of coffee and two hydoxicut talking here, or the fact that I woke up at 550am to start my marathon training program. Maybe it's the smile I got this morning when I walked in the door. It could be the feeling of liberation. Maybe it's the amazing new people in my life, or it could just be that I had a really great night last night.

Whatever the reason, I am so happy to say that for the first time in a very long time, I am genuinely happy in this moment. Happy as a pig in shit.

Quite a Surprise

I woke up election day certain that John McCain was going to win. I had a feeling that Obama winning would be too good to be true.

Nevertheless, I spent the whole day in excited anticipation and at 4pm I was finally able to cast MY vote. I proudly connected the arrow next to one Barak Obama and a proud smile creeped across my face.

The rest of the day was so very enjoyable as I listened to the votes roll in and celebrated with new friends as McCain made his concession speech.

My only disappointment was that 102 passed. I cannot believe it. Well, I can. But I don't want to.

Maybe someday this world will be a better place. Welcome, President Obama.

Victory!

I made it past day one. The day of tears and ripped heart valves.

For the first time in four years I went out as a single female. I felt it was premature because the breakup had literally just happened, but I realized that it was not going to do me any good to sit around and cry all night. The point of this breakup is for me to find myself and become a stronger, more stable person and wallowing in self pity is not going to help that.

I'm glad I went out. I had a really fun time. More fun that I would have had if I wasn't "single" because for the first time in years I didn't feel guilty for it.

Now on to day two...

Déclaration de Mission

We recently went through and devised a business plan here at the office. Surprisingly, developing our mission statement was the most challenging piece. All of the other information was factual. Hard evidence supporting our profits, yearly projections and market demographics is my forte, but truly defining our purpose and core values proved to be a task of miserable proportions.

Despite my dismay for this daunting task, I realize that running a business or a life without set of values and principals is like travelling to a foreign country with no maps, guide books, language dictionary or idea what you are going to do.

Now, that may seem fun and spontaneous at first. I give you that. But once the initial excitement of ‘living on the edge’ dissolves, you are left scared, hungry and alone.

The purpose of the mission statement is to define your intentions and the way you plan on going about achieving your goals. You use it to benchmark your progress and reconnect with your ideals when you get off track.

We had been operating the business for almost two years with no mission statement. I don’t know how we survived this long. Sheer luck?

Now for the interesting revelation… I have been living without a personal mission statement for 25 years. 25 years of aimless wandering without any real goal and no place to tie myself back to. It’s so shocking to me that I am as successful as I am. I feel like I should be a crack whore living on the streets looking for my next hit.

The good news is, at least now I know and can do something about it.